The Quaker Meeting House in Sheffield is tucked down a quiet side street by the cathedral. Tonight it's dark early, with a biting chill in the air. But still the turnout is good. Couples and individuals have braved the cold to come to gather information. They are greeted at the door, asked to sign in and collect their complimentary hot drink. Everyone eyes each other up over the rims of their coffees and teas, making small talk where possible. The group here is a diverse mix of couples, singles, ethnicities and ages. But they're all here for the same reason; they want to learn more about taking in a child in need.
Katie Day, the fostering Team Manager at Sheffield City Council welcomes everyone. She introduces the others from the team who join her, a mix of social workers and council members. Then they're introduced to the people they want to hear from. The people who are already doing it. Who are foster carers, and can relay the reality of the experience. Between the women present there is over 40 years' experience in foster caring and each carer has a blend of birth children and foster children at home. Some have even adopted. One woman is glowing from having finalised an adoption just the day before.
Katie talks to the group to explain what the term 'foster children' actually means. "Children who can't live with their own families for whatever reason". And it is her and her team who will find those children who are unable to live with their own families a family to take them in. What is explained to the diverse audience is that there is many kinds of fostering they can get involved in and that they're looking for many kinds of foster carers to meet these needs. Most of all they want people who can provide consistency, routine, good supervision, holidays, schooling and opportunities for the child(ren) to fulfil their potential. They want children to feel safe in their foster homes in a way that they may not have at their parents' home.
Facts about fostering
- There is no such thing as a typical foster carer you may be single, married, divorced or living with a partner and you may rent or own your own home. The main requirement is that you are interested in providing stability and support to vulnerable young people so that they can make positive changes to avoid offending in the future. In addition you will need to be over the age of 21, have a bedroom for the young person and at least one adult will need to be available throughout the day
- Carers who are able to take sibling pairs or groups are always in demand
- There are no constraints on matching ethnicities and religions. As long as you are prepared to honour the heritage of the individual child, that is the most important thing
- There are many kinds of fostering, ranging from short care support to long term care
She tells them about one child who, at 8 years old, was beside herself with excitement when her foster carers took her to her first ever party. Another story introduces them to a little boy who was delighted to be given his own toothbrush for the first time. It becomes clear that some of the smallest things that these people could offer a child could actually be a milestone in a small life. "Show them there are other ways to live a life", she says.
Sometimes, they're told, children are taken into the care system with their parents' permission, other times they're removed from a bad situation by a court order. However they come to be care, one thing is sadly unavoidable. These children will have had experiences that will colour the way they look at life and behave. There are many kinds of neglect and abuse, and often experiencing one will mean being exposed to others. The issues facing the children who may come to these potential carers are complex. They're not being asked to completely understand, but to accept the children for who they are. And that includes their past experiences.
"It can be hard as a foster carer to unpick what the child is exhibiting to understand and support them", says Katie. The fostering service need to recruit carers who can look beyond behavioural issues (such as being withdrawn or aggressive) to understand the reasons why they act they way they do.
Not only must potential carers be able to work well with children, they will need to be able to navigate the external forces which will also have influence in the child's life. Social workers, teachers, perhaps psychologists and, most importantly of all, the child's family. The child will still see their family and this can be confusing. What if the parents don't turn up? What if they see siblings who they don't want to be separated from again? What if the parent tells them to misbehave, in order that they are 'sent back'?
This might sound intimidating to some here tonight. But Katie reassures them that the service does not expect them to be fully equipped from these skills from day one. Being a foster carer is a process. Training is provided and as you care, you learn, not only from the children but from other carers.
For those potential foster carers who have children of their own, Katie warns that their birth children need to be on board with the idea of fostering. "You foster as a family" she says. All the existing carers who talk to the group speak of how the experience has opened their own children's eyes. They learn about other kinds of families, to share their possessions and their family with others.
Gareth and Tracy Pickering from Stocksbridge have come tonight to try again. They looked into fostering once before, two years ago, but were put off by a piece of false information. Now they want to revisit the idea. The couple currently have a 16 year old daughter, Tracy's birth daughter. Gareth has known her since she was 4 and adopted her at age 11 after a long process. When asked why he wanted to foster, Gareth talks about his dad who was in a home when he was a child. He has one photo of his father whilst he was in the home, and he is sitting staring at his feet apart from the group. You can see that this saddens him. He says that he hates the idea of a child being passed from place to place. The couple have decided that they are happy to take any child aged 0 to 18. "Whatever you can do for someone else, you should", he says. He recounts how he currently works as a buyer and spends his working life sitting in front of a computer screen. He assures that he wouldn't call his decision 'a mid-life crisis', it's more that he wants to direct his attentions to something more fulfilling and rewarding. He acknowledges that other people are put off the idea of fostering because of the changes it would make in their lives. Particularly the financial adjustments. But he asks, "What's more rewarding, a new car or making a difference in a child's life".
Sally Lawton, 36, from the Beighton area of Sheffield has been fostering for almost 4 years. She has a son of her own who is 8 and currently has a foster child living with her, a girl of 4. She says that she's always wanted to foster. She recalls watching an awards show on television when she was around 14. It was acknowledging people who had made a difference, somewhat like the Pride of Britain Awards, she says. She remembers a woman being given her award and seeing all the children she'd fostered in the audience celebrating with her. It resonated with Sally and she realised it was something she wanted to do. But she had to wait for the timing to be right. After leaving school she worked as a veterinary nurse for 17 years. She separated from her son's father when he was quite young. And when he started school she felt the time was right to extend their family to children in need of one. At school age she felt her son would be able to understand the process, but also be young enough to have children coming in and out of the family become normal. With a child in school, and having school age children coming into her care, she's able to work with her son and her foster children.
Throughout her time as a foster carer, Sally has had seven children into, and subsequently leave her care. Though she has had several on a short-term basis through holiday support care. The longest any child stayed was 19 months, and the shortest, just 3 months.
When asked, Sally says that the best part of foster caring is being able to make a difference. "The first child I ever got was a 3 month old baby straight from hospital, he was adopted at 9 and a half months. I keep in touch with the family. Saw them a couple of weekends ago, we all met up for a pub lunch. He's nearly 4 now. I'm part of his life; it's not kept from him that he used to live here. They grow up with us in their lives, it's like having a big extended family". The hardest part is when whomever a child moves on to doesn't stay in touch. She says she doesn't want a lot of contact, just an occasional photo or an update. The children she's had in her care may have left her home, but not her thoughts.
If you'd like to find out more about fostering in Sheffield then the service holds regular information evenings . If you would prefer to speak to someone, contact them directly and decide if it's for you.
by Emma Riordan
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